Why Do I Feel Like I'm Cheating On my Boyfriend?

11:13

Image result for broken heart tumblr




My boyfriend and I recently split up after being with each other for almost 3 years. I barely remember my life before him. I spent every minute of every day with him, ultimately we were so in love, there were very big problems too, he was abusive to me but stupidly and accidentally I was in love with him. I was always fiercely loyal and faithful to him, I thought he was my one love. I never looked at any other man, in my mind he was the only one for me. I genuinely, hand on heart never wanted anyone else.

After eventually breaking up, I felt that I needed to get 'out there', I didn't want to lock myself away and cry in my room. For some reason I felt that that was the 'natural' thing to do after a breakup. I downloaded tinder and enjoyed swiping through guys profiles and messaging a few of them...for a couple of days. Then the familiar 'Hey how are you?' became too monotonous and predictable for me and like every other fad, the novelty was quick to wear off. I met a guy on a night out with my friend and we started chatting, we arranged to meet up for a drink. I wasn't nervous at all for the date, all I could think about was my ex-boyfriend and how I had an overpowering feeling that I was betraying him. All I wanted was to see him and tell him how I felt and how I didn't want anyone else, just him, despite everything he'd done to me. I felt that by going on the date, it officially meant that I was moving on and that's when I realised that I didn't want to.

In my head I knew these feelings were stupid, there was nothing between us anymore, he'd made that very clear that it was what he wanted, so why did I still feel that way? I fought those feelings and went ahead with the date, desperately trying to ignore how much my heart was hurting. We arranged a second date and it was after that that it really got too much for me. It really overwhelmed me, it felt like way too much too soon. I'd literally just come out of a relationship that, in all honesty, I was still in the process of getting over, the last thing I wanted was to jump straight into another, I thought we could just take it slowly but this guy virtually confessed his love.... I just wanted to feel free and be able to get to know this guy, but I think he wanted to get serious pretty quickly. I thought that by going on a date it would make me feel better, I thought it would be a quick-fix heart break cure to take away all the pain, skip the sad, grieving stage and go straight to the 'over it' stage...but no, it made me feel more suffocated than ever. To be honest, it's kind of a good thing because it also made me realise that I need to be on my own for a bit and I am so happy with that!

I came home and cried my eyes out. I had an overwhelming feeling that I had cheated on my boyfriend, who wasn't even my boyfriend anymore...and I hadn't even done anything!!? I should have felt free and happy that I'd escaped an abusive relationship and was now able to live my life how I wanted but instead I was still attached to him, it felt like the cord still hadn't been cut. Like we were still connected, I still had a duty to him. I guess that's how it's been for three years so it's going to take time to come to terms with this now.

You Might Also Like

7 comments

  1. It is very difficult to move on, especially after a 3 year relationship where there was a lot of strong emotions. It took me 2 years to move on from my ex and into a new relationship. I did exactly the same with Tinder when we broke up, yet felt like I was the bad person for going on dates and trying to move on. It was a constant state of, 'I need to be on my own for a while' and 'I feel like I'm ready to date again'. In reality, I had no idea what I wanted, it wasn't until my current boyfriend came into my life that I realised I was ready for a new relationship and a new kind of feeling of falling in love in a healthy relationship.

    I really like your blog! It's incredibly thought provoking. I am sorry to had to endure a difficult relationship though.<3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Amy, so I'm not the only one who felt like that then!:)
      I'm glad you're happy in your new relationship <3
      And thank you for your kind words, it means a lot <3
      X

      Delete
  2. Despite everything, I am very glad that you got away from an abusive relationship. Eventually you will heal, and meet someone deserving of you. <3

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hey guys, Get your ex back fast with the help of a real and genuine spell caster called Dr.Unity.
    I'm so excited my broken Marriage has been restored and my husband is back after a breakup, After 2 years of marriage, me and my husband has been into one quarrel or the other until he finally left me and moved to California to be with another woman. i felt my life was over and my kids thought they would never see their father again. i tried to be strong just for the kids but i could not control the pains that torments my heart, my heart was filled with sorrows and pains because i was really in love with my husband. Every day and night i think of him and always wish he would come back to me, I was really upset and i needed help, so i searched for help online and I came across a website that suggested that Dr Unity can help get ex back fast. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he told me what to do and i did it then he did a (Love spell) for me. 28 hours later, my husband really called me and told me that he miss me and the kids so much, So Amazing!! So that was how he came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and he apologized for his mistake,and for the pain he caused me and the kids. Then from that day,our Marriage was now stronger than how it were before,All thanks to Dr Unity. he is so powerful and i decided to share my story on the internet that Dr Unity real and powerful spell caster who i will always pray to live long to help his children in the time of trouble, if you are here and you need your Ex back or your husband moved to another woman, do not cry anymore, contact this powerful spell caster now. Here’s his contact: Email him at: Unityspelltemple@gmail.com ,
    you can also call him or add him on Whats-app: +2348071622464 ,
    his website:http://unityspelltemple.yolasite.com .
    Jessica, 26 years, Texas, USA.

    ReplyDelete
  4. This is heartbreaking but empowering, I hope you are doing better now and just remember, you are such a good role model to yourself and to those around you. <3

    ReplyDelete

Like us on Facebook

Flickr Images

Instagram