Victoria Louise K

It's New Years Eve and Facebook and Instagram seem to be full of depressive quotes telling me that you're a failure if you're single and implying that it's embarrassing if you're going into the New Year without a significant other.

"I never thought it would happen to me." The words of everyone who has ever had something bad happen to them and the words which I've found myself saying almost everyday after admitting what has been happening in my life for the best part of three years.

I've seen countless adverts on TV about domestic violence, urging people to get help. I halfheartedly watched them, dismissing the message as if this couldn't really be a problem, I thought if that ever actually happened, obviously you'd just simply leave. Just get up and go. And if someone really did ever try to physically hurt you, you'd obviously just hit him back and defend yourself...and then leave. As simple as that. The reality is, of course so different to this. My old naive, innocent view of this problem has well and truly been brought back down to reality. It started almost 3 years ago and it's only now that I can admit that it happened.

Over the last few weeks I have brought myself to admit it to a few close friends, each time when I said the words out loud it felt like I was hearing it for the very first time! I always told myself that if I ever told anyone about it, then it would 100% be the end of the relationship, perhaps that was the reason I put it off for so long? If my housemates didn't hear him slamming me against the wall, throwing me to the floor, pinning me to the bed and hitting me in my face, then I still don't think I would have ever told anyone. But why would I want the relationship to continue, if violence and anger were such a big part of it. How did I get so sucked in? I was supposed to "just walk away, just leave" remember?

I spent hours crying and desperate to tell somebody, I searched pages and pages online looking for some sort of help, a helpline which I could call or just for somebody, anyone to speak to about it. For some reason I felt that I couldn't tell my family, least of all because of how angry it would make him. At the beginning he would cry and tell me how sorry he was, in the end he would just tell me that it was my fault, it pains me to admit it but I started adapting my behavior to suit his moods, when he was tense, I was scared. I would tip toe around him in desperation not to make him angry.

I used to walk through my days like a zombie, he was constantly on my mind, thinking about what he'd done, how he could do that to me, maybe that was the last time, maybe he'll change now, maybe if I'm nicer to him he'll realise and stop. I would look at strangers in the street and try desperately to tell them what was happening through just a look. Why wouldn't anyone help me? Surely they must know, surely they can see what's happening. I wondered if anyone else was experiencing the same thing? I convinced myself each time that it was just a one off, he surely won't do it again, not after this time, no way. Maybe if I just pretend it never happened then we can move on and forget about it all?

When my housemates actually heard him, it felt like a massive relief, it felt like I'd just broke through the waters surface and gasped my first breath of air after so long. I couldn't hide it anymore. And it really was me hiding it; using makeup to cover a black eye, wearing clothes that hid my bruises and telling lies about where they came from. Their horror and shock comforted me and made me feel safe. I walked away from him. For the first time since this began, I had someone else there to turn to other than him. Talking, saying it out loud, was like I say, like hearing it for the very first time. I found myself shocked at my own words, at my own experiences as bad memory upon bad memory came flooding out of my mouth. I never wanted to hurt this boy, I never wanted people to think bad of him, I was so used to defending him and there I was telling someone the truth, finally. It took me so long to take that first step and I know I never would have taken it if I hadn't have been forced. I thank the girl who saved me from the bottom of my heart.

<3

This week Ian and I decided to head to Bayonne, a cute nearby city which is also in the Basque country of France. We hopped on our usual bus outside the campsite and headed to our 'go-to' cafe to pick up some breakfast then strolled to the beach to eat it whilst waiting for our connecting bus to Bayonne.









Ian chose a pain au raisin, which he almost ate entirely before I even had chance to get my camera out! I went for a pain au chocolat :)

After eating our breakfast, we caught our last bus of the journey to Bayonne which took about 30 minutes.





I love going to new cities without knowing anything about them, just exploring and going wherever you fancy... like this tunnel!

We woke on a gloriously sunny day and decided to head to San Jean de Luz. Ian and I hopped on a bus and stopped in the nearby village to find that we had an hour wait for the connecting bus so we strolled over to the beach; picking up a coffee and croissant on the way and had breakfast on the beach whilst waiting....I've had worse waits!

When it was almost time, we walked back to the bus stop and caught our second bus all the way to San Jean de Luz. Everyone must have had the same idea because when we pulled into the town center almost the whole bus got off. Most people headed straight for the beach but we chose to go and explore the town center first and found that it was market day!


We walked around the outdoor market stalls and also went inside to explore all the goodies!







Vibrant colours and smells of fresh fruits and homemade dishes competed for our attention, we grabbed some fruit to munch as we walked then headed over to the cheese counter.





We each chose a quiche for lunch, followed by a creme caramel.





...then headed to the beach to eat it ^.^



The beach was beautiful, the sun beat down but the accompanying breeze and cooling sea made it idyllic.



After a few swims, sunbathing, reading and a little snooze, we headed back into the town, through streets drenched in the suns harsh glow, in search of ice cream! I chose Hazlenut flavour which was deliciously decadent and Ian went for a passion fruit sorbet which I admit, I was very jealous of!

Lately I have read so many amazing books and I just have to share them with you. This time of year is perfect for lounging around in the sun and really getting stuck into an incredible story!




1.) Behind Closed Doors by BA Paris

There's something so quaint and tranquil about living by the sea. I grew up in the English countryside, nestled by hills, far from the sea so when I do find myself beside the sea, I make sure to make the most of it. I appreciate the ferocious waves crashing onto the shore, the gentle lapping of  calmer tides against cooling sandy beaches which beg for your hands to sieve the golden grains through them. I watch in awe as the burning sun dips below the far away sea, leaving the last final embers to burn out in the sky; casting a magical sun set over the waters. I adore drifting off to sleep hearing the rumble of waves in the distance and there's nothing more delicious than cooling down in the ocean when the heat's getting a little too much.



Yesterday Ian and I went for a bike ride along the coast, we headed down a promising path and stumbled upon this great beach.
We walked along the dunes with great views over the beach below, in search for THE perfect picnic spot! We cosied into the dunes, which protected us from the unforgiving wind and spent a gorgeous afternoon together.


There's just something about being by the sea that relaxes me. It's amazing to see the dominant power and sheer strength of the waves as they crash violently against the rocks. (The pictures below were taken in the South of England).



 On the other hand, the sea can be a mass of twinkling little flecks dancing around as the waves glitter in the distance with the sun reflecting on the surface.


When the sky is clear blue, almost mirroring the ocean itself, it makes me feel like everything's good with the world! Looking out to the ocean and only being able to see as far as the horizon, leaving the rest to the imagination is a truly beautiful way of reminding ourselves just how small we are in comparison to the earth and that all our 'little' problems really are just that...little!


I've come to realise that I am most definitely happiest by the sea; my dream is to live in a quaint little fishing village one day and eat my weight in fish and chips.