Victoria Louise K

It seems that almost everyone is ill right now. You may think I'm being dramatic but seriously, look around and you will see quite literally every single person equipped with a trusty tissue in their hand, sporting the seasons finest red nose and puffy eyes combo!

I'm ill...again! I was poorly during the Christmas holidays, then again when I got back to uni, I think I had about a 1 week break and now I'm ill again. Arghhhh!!!! So after, my extensive experience being ill and my incredible ability to pick up illnesses effortlessly it seems, I am now obviously an expert and should therefore write a blog post to help the rest of the world who are also suffering right now.


1.) Lemon and Ginger Tea

Not the type from a teabag. Put a few slices of lemon in a cup along with a couple slices of ginger and pour boiling water into it, then leave it to infuse until its the right temperature to drink. If you prefer it sweeter, you can also add some honey- which is also good for a sore throat. Lemon and ginger are great for boosting the immune system because they're naturally high in antioxidants. These ingredients have been proven to ease symptoms of flu and colds due to their natural medicinal properties. It's also really good for you in general and tastes delicious!

Even just by walking 5 minutes down the street, you can pass hundreds of people, all strangers, all unknown, all with their own lives. You have no idea of any of their stories or what's going on in their lives.

During my abusive relationship, when no one knew, I was desperate for help. I remember sitting on the bus, on the metro, in the street, in a shop, at the market and catching eye contact with complete strangers and trying to tell them with my eyes what was going on. I begged out for help. I remember my then-boyfriend being abusive towards me in public for everyone to see and desperately looking round for someone, anyone to help me or at least just acknowledge it, just give me a knowing look, just anything.

I remember seeing other girls and wandering if they were going through the same thing or even if they would just understand what I was going through. I felt like I couldn't be the only one who was going though this and I know now that if I ever saw another girl in the same position as I was in, I would try my absolute best to help them. I will never forget that I built up so much courage to ask for help and I was ignored and left, which ultimately made me feel trapped and give up hope of ever being saved and helped. I stopped fighting, I gave in and surrendered myself to the abuse. Without hope, what do you have to fight for?

It taught me that you never know what someone's going through. I'm the first person to put on a smile and be so bubbly, people tell me all the time that I'm so happy, chirpy and positive and they had no idea what was behind that because during most of those times I was physically hiding bruises and my emotional pain and heartbreak and no one ever knew or even suspected. Therefore surely other people must be in the same position, I can't be the only person in the world to ever be in that position? Everyone has their own struggles in their life, no matter how big they are. Everyone has felt pain, everyone has felt heartbreak, loss, betrayal, anger, disbelief. Be aware of this. Be kind to people. Don't act as if you're the only person who has ever felt these feelings, remember there are millions of people who are feeling the exact same, you could even pass them in the street! Always be kind.

My boyfriend and I recently split up after being with each other for almost 3 years. I barely remember my life before him. I spent every minute of every day with him, ultimately we were so in love, there were very big problems too, he was abusive to me but stupidly and accidentally I was in love with him. I was always fiercely loyal and faithful to him, I thought he was my one love. I never looked at any other man, in my mind he was the only one for me. I genuinely, hand on heart never wanted anyone else.

After eventually breaking up, I felt that I needed to get 'out there', I didn't want to lock myself away and cry in my room. For some reason I felt that that was the 'natural' thing to do after a breakup. I downloaded tinder and enjoyed swiping through guys profiles and messaging a few of them...for a couple of days. Then the familiar 'Hey how are you?' became too monotonous and predictable for me and like every other fad, the novelty was quick to wear off. I met a guy on a night out with my friend and we started chatting, we arranged to meet up for a drink. I wasn't nervous at all for the date, all I could think about was my ex-boyfriend and how I had an overpowering feeling that I was betraying him. All I wanted was to see him and tell him how I felt and how I didn't want anyone else, just him, despite everything he'd done to me. I felt that by going on the date, it officially meant that I was moving on and that's when I realised that I didn't want to.

In my head I knew these feelings were stupid, there was nothing between us anymore, he'd made that very clear that it was what he wanted, so why did I still feel that way? I fought those feelings and went ahead with the date, desperately trying to ignore how much my heart was hurting. We arranged a second date and it was after that that it really got too much for me. It really overwhelmed me, it felt like way too much too soon. I'd literally just come out of a relationship that, in all honesty, I was still in the process of getting over, the last thing I wanted was to jump straight into another, I thought we could just take it slowly but this guy virtually confessed his love.... I just wanted to feel free and be able to get to know this guy, but I think he wanted to get serious pretty quickly. I thought that by going on a date it would make me feel better, I thought it would be a quick-fix heart break cure to take away all the pain, skip the sad, grieving stage and go straight to the 'over it' stage...but no, it made me feel more suffocated than ever. To be honest, it's kind of a good thing because it also made me realise that I need to be on my own for a bit and I am so happy with that!

I came home and cried my eyes out. I had an overwhelming feeling that I had cheated on my boyfriend, who wasn't even my boyfriend anymore...and I hadn't even done anything!!? I should have felt free and happy that I'd escaped an abusive relationship and was now able to live my life how I wanted but instead I was still attached to him, it felt like the cord still hadn't been cut. Like we were still connected, I still had a duty to him. I guess that's how it's been for three years so it's going to take time to come to terms with this now.

January can be a bit of a depressing month, Christmas is over, gone is the festive, magical atmosphere that kept us going throughout December...and for a lot of people, November too! Everyone seems to be poor due to all that festive indulgence and the weather just gets colder by the day! But with January, comes a New Year, new opportunities, new people, new memories...and plenty to look forward to!! Here are a few things which I'm particularly looking forward to in 2017 ^.^

Finishing University
It feels like I've been at Uni for so long !! I started in 2012 and I'm still not finished! I spent the last 2 years living abroad as part of my degree so that's where a big chunk of the time went. I enjoyed those 2 years so much, they gave me such a delicious taste of freedom and 'real life' that I'm so looking forward to finishing uni now. I've only got 3 more weeks of lectures before I'm left to do 2 projects. Yeyyy no more lectures!!

My Graduation
Saying I found it hard coming back to uni after 2 years abroad, is an understatement. I didn't know a single person as all my friends had graduated. My boyfriend of 3 years had decided to go back to Spain, making it so hard and eventually we broke up. It felt so strange being back, I felt I'd changed and grown up so much during the time I was away and it was the most eerie, surreal feeling to return to the same classrooms I used to spend pretty much everyday in. There were times when I really wanted to give up, before I even went back I seriously considered the option of just not going back at all. But after all the work I'd already done, I felt I owed it to myself and of course I'm so glad I did! I can't wait for my graduation, I'm going to be so happy and proud of myself!! :D

Getting Fitter
I regularly go to the gym anyway and like to think that I eat pretty healthily...A few years ago I lost a lot of weight and now I really want to get in really good shape, it's the best feeling ever to see the progress you make and to become so dedicated and determined. It's something completely for yourself and something which you're completely in control of. I just feel so much better when I'm eating healthily and exercising.






Holidays
Over the last few months I've been through a really tough time so I found it especially important to plan things to look forward to. I booked a holiday for April and am hoping to go again in September!!

Starting my PGCE course
I've applied to do a PGCE in September which takes a year before I'll be a qualified teacher. I'm so looking forward to it!

Free Time
I'm looking forward to spending my free time reading some more good books, cooking, baking, maybe learning to play the guitar, watching a few TV shows, blogging and doing little things like going to Tesco to buy some magazines, chocolate and treats then watching a movie and painting my nails with my Yankee candles burning in the background ^.^...it's the little things hehee!!

Being Happy On My Own
I can barely remember my life before my 'ex'. One thing I do remember though is that I was happy on my own. I don't remember ever craving a relationship, I was content on my own. I want to get that feeling back! Recently I've been on a few dates and although there was nothing wrong with the guy, it just made me realize how at least for now, I really need to be on my own for a while.

The Unknown
Who knows what 2017 will hold. 2016 was a complete surprise to me, things happened in my life that I never expected in a million years! But I've learnt to try to embrace every single thing that life throws at you, even the heartbreaking things. I've learnt that when life feels too much, you can always 'tap out'- take a few days off from 'life' if you need it because at the end of the day if life ever feels too much, and if a few days recuperation would make you feel any better than that is more than worth it!

What are you looking forward to in 2017? :) X

Social media is filled with perfect, cropped, airbrushed, filtered versions of snippets of our lives, made to look natural when in reality it's anything but. A picture of the Christmas dinner table laden with festive food and crackers hides the hungry faces ravenous to tuck in, hungrily waiting for the perfect insta-worthy pic to be captured before life can resume again. Something which I know all too well; a picture of a couple so in love and happy can easily hide that in reality, the only thing perfect about it is the perfect way it manages to hide the bruises and the reality of the abuse, because for that second it took to capture that image for eternity, it's easy to pretend, it's easy to fake being perfect. It's a vicious cycle because as you log on to social media, you're bombarded with people begging for their lives to be noticed, measuring their level of perfection through likes. Of course not every picture has a depressing reality behind it, I'm just saying how easy it is to hide it, through the likes of social media, if you wish.

Every now and then you see someone break- they let down their 'perfect guard' and are real- whether it be about a breakup, work, family etc. It happens rarely and usually the post is deleted within a few hours before they put their 'prefect guard' well and truly back in place, erasing the post like it never happened...quickly change their profile picture where they look bomb AF to reassure everyone that despite that little blip of reality, they are STILL perfect!

Social media is essentially the perfect way to fake perfection- you choose what goes on there, you can crop, filter and remove every tiny aspect you're not happy with. But nowadays our lives are becoming increasingly more dictated by social media- I mean how many apps do you have on your phone? How often do you have your phone in your hand? How many natural moments have been stopped because you just HAD to get that insta snap or snapchat it? It's created an unrealistic 'ideal'.

We weren't born with these ideas of 'perfect', society has made it this way. We learn that we should feel insecure if we don't have whatever the newest 'perfect trend' is...thigh gap, massive lips, tiny waist, massive hips...but NEVER fake (of course) and only if we're perfect are we allowed to post it or we'll get ridiculed...?

Just remember, real life has no filters and is way more beautiful! We're not supposed to just be happy all the time- live life, experience all those emotions and appreciate each one because it means you're actually LIVING you life <3

It's New Years Eve and Facebook and Instagram seem to be full of depressive quotes telling me that you're a failure if you're single and implying that it's embarrassing if you're going into the New Year without a significant other.

"I never thought it would happen to me." The words of everyone who has ever had something bad happen to them and the words which I've found myself saying almost everyday after admitting what has been happening in my life for the best part of three years.

I've seen countless adverts on TV about domestic violence, urging people to get help. I halfheartedly watched them, dismissing the message as if this couldn't really be a problem, I thought if that ever actually happened, obviously you'd just simply leave. Just get up and go. And if someone really did ever try to physically hurt you, you'd obviously just hit him back and defend yourself...and then leave. As simple as that. The reality is, of course so different to this. My old naive, innocent view of this problem has well and truly been brought back down to reality. It started almost 3 years ago and it's only now that I can admit that it happened.

Over the last few weeks I have brought myself to admit it to a few close friends, each time when I said the words out loud it felt like I was hearing it for the very first time! I always told myself that if I ever told anyone about it, then it would 100% be the end of the relationship, perhaps that was the reason I put it off for so long? If my housemates didn't hear him slamming me against the wall, throwing me to the floor, pinning me to the bed and hitting me in my face, then I still don't think I would have ever told anyone. But why would I want the relationship to continue, if violence and anger were such a big part of it. How did I get so sucked in? I was supposed to "just walk away, just leave" remember?

I spent hours crying and desperate to tell somebody, I searched pages and pages online looking for some sort of help, a helpline which I could call or just for somebody, anyone to speak to about it. For some reason I felt that I couldn't tell my family, least of all because of how angry it would make him. At the beginning he would cry and tell me how sorry he was, in the end he would just tell me that it was my fault, it pains me to admit it but I started adapting my behavior to suit his moods, when he was tense, I was scared. I would tip toe around him in desperation not to make him angry.

I used to walk through my days like a zombie, he was constantly on my mind, thinking about what he'd done, how he could do that to me, maybe that was the last time, maybe he'll change now, maybe if I'm nicer to him he'll realise and stop. I would look at strangers in the street and try desperately to tell them what was happening through just a look. Why wouldn't anyone help me? Surely they must know, surely they can see what's happening. I wondered if anyone else was experiencing the same thing? I convinced myself each time that it was just a one off, he surely won't do it again, not after this time, no way. Maybe if I just pretend it never happened then we can move on and forget about it all?

When my housemates actually heard him, it felt like a massive relief, it felt like I'd just broke through the waters surface and gasped my first breath of air after so long. I couldn't hide it anymore. And it really was me hiding it; using makeup to cover a black eye, wearing clothes that hid my bruises and telling lies about where they came from. Their horror and shock comforted me and made me feel safe. I walked away from him. For the first time since this began, I had someone else there to turn to other than him. Talking, saying it out loud, was like I say, like hearing it for the very first time. I found myself shocked at my own words, at my own experiences as bad memory upon bad memory came flooding out of my mouth. I never wanted to hurt this boy, I never wanted people to think bad of him, I was so used to defending him and there I was telling someone the truth, finally. It took me so long to take that first step and I know I never would have taken it if I hadn't have been forced. I thank the girl who saved me from the bottom of my heart.

<3